From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.
DEFINITIONS
BRAT: A kid who behaves much better than your own children, but belongs to a
neighbor.
CHILD PSYCHOLOGY: That wonderful device employed by parents who are allowing
the child to have it's own way.
PAR: What a golf addict's children call their father.
PRAISING YOUR WIFE: Try it, although it will frighten her at first!
MISUNDERSTOOD HUSBAND: One whose wife really understands him.
MARITAL DIFFICULTIES: It's not the institution, its the personell.
ASIAN MARRIAGE: In certain countries of Asia, a man does not know his wife
until he marries her. But then, why single out Asia?
SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE: One in which the couple has a prayer book, a check book,
and a cook book.
COMMON SENSE: That which would have prevented a great number of divorces by
having prevented a great number of marriages.
THE BETTER SPOUSE: The better spouse is the spouse who is not trying to make
the other person better.
MOTHER: A woman whose life is disorganized around her children.
PUPPY LOVE: That which always evolves into a dog's life.
CHINESE PROVERB: No married household can hang out a sign reading "No problems
here."
CONSIDERATE HUSBAND: Always willing to purchase a new summer outfit for his
wife - a new rake and some seed packages.
TELEVISION: Proof positive that some people would much rather look at most
anything other than one another.
HOME: The place where the kids stay, while the automobile is being repaired.
CHILDREN: Young persons, most of whom would be on the right track if only the
parents provided the correct switching facilities.
HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to
say so.
FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.
PARENT: A person able to supply toilet paper from nowhere on instant demand.
DOCTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.
MEALS: Those things which Mom and Dad eat, and which the kids inhale.
GROCER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.
TELEPHONE: A natural growth from a child's ear which comes about in late grade
school and subsides sometime during college.
BUBBLE GUM: The thing that Mom and Dad never touch, and which the kids exhale.
KITCHEN: A room the kids have discovered in their quest for snacks.
REPAIRMAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.
NEIGHBOR: A person very often quite willing to call the Orkin Man and sick him
on your children.
INSURANCE MAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching
all this happen.
STEREO SALES PERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just
watching all this happen.
PLUMBER: A person who comes to your home and asks you if you own it free and
clear, before he goes out to the truck to bring in tools.
PSYCHOLOGIST: A person with problem children at home who is going to charge
money to tell you how to raise yours.
PSYCHIATRIST: A person with even more problem children at home who will charge
you even more to tell you how to raise yours.
TRUANT OFFICER: A person in the employ of the school district who is forced to
come around and tell you a giant lie - the school wants the kid
back!
RETAIL OUTLET CLERK: A person who can tell you more about your children than
any parent really wants to hear.
DENTIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all
this happen.
SCHOOL: A place where kids congregate to observe and discuss just how dumb
teachers really are.
SHOE SALESPERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just
watching all this happen.
PROUD PARENTS: A man and woman, father and mother, who feel sure that the
retail outlet clerk is not talking about their child!
WATER METER READER: A person who keeps looking around your place, to see where
the circus is located, since you are obviously watering all
the animals.
BATHROOM: A small room subject to continuous instantaneous disaster.
CLOSET: The very last place anyone thinks to look for any lost item.
ORTHODONTIST: A professional who, when approached, asks if you own your own
home free and clear, and then asks whether the grand-parents own
their home free and clear.
SCOUT LEADER: Real proof positive that God still makes Saints!
SHOPPING MALL SECURITY AGENT: A person possessed of very obstinate conviction
that Retail Outlet Clerk is an absurd optimist.
CHAUFFEUR: An average Mother who must deliver five children to six places in
ten minutes, during the rush hour, and then get home to cook supper
before anyone gets home.
CAR POOLING: A game whereby Mom plays Chauffeur only every so often, which
allows time for blood pressure to return to normal and strength to
flow for next time.
CHILDREN'S BEDROOM: A place for which you had better have a fairly stiff excuse
if some health official visits.
GARAGE - An area said to have been built for a thing the size of a car which
now is taxed when you try to put the lawnmower away.
CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS: Those items recently found on an Easter Egg Hunt which
could not be found last November or December, and so you
bought new ones, which are now lost.
SCHOOL PLAY: A socially recognized ritual which brings parents together in a
gym during the hottest of spring evenings, when the heater for the
school mysteriously turns on and runs at full steam.
SCHOOL PLAY STARLET OR STAR: Your own child, who portrays the deck of a sinking
ship.
BABYSITTER: A person old enough to know what to do, but not old enough to know
better.
BABYSITTER: A fairly small person who can eat more than a horde of locusts.
BABYSITTER: A person who gets paid for emptying your fridge, deep freeze,
kitchen cabinets, and who asks you for money to reimburse the Pizza
delivery person.
LAUNDRY: A good place to look, if it is not to be found on the floor in the
children's bedroom.
PETS: The chief cause of the neighbors remarks about why you do not take out a
zoo license.
BACK YARD: An area seldom used and even by accident in fairly good order.
FRONT YARD: The area in which your kids and the neighborhood kids dig trenches
to play war. The City sends an investigator to see if you are
tampering with the water meter.
MUDHOLE: See above, Front Yard.
DRIVEWAY: Where your teenage son parks the 1964 Renault Dauphine he is going to
restore, if the parts can be found....and they can't.
RENAULT DAUPHINE: The car unanimously voted the most ugly commercial product
ever produced by civilization in the entire history of
humanity.
TOW-TRUCK OPERATOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money selling
that old Renault Dauphine to teenagers and having them park
it on their drive, until the parents revolt and order it
towed away.
GARBAGE COLLECTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching
all this happen.
GRANDPARENTS: People who think a Shopping Mall Security Officer is marked with
the sign of the beast, a fiend, a criminal or worse.
GIRL SCOUT COOKIES: What sweet little innocent girls sell that causes you to
contact the Trust Officer at the Bank.
INVESTIGATOR: A Public Park Ranger on Special Assignment, who tells you that
your son CAN write, and does a fairly nice job of signing his
name in spray paint. However, the statue is of Washington, not
Bobby Thurston, and so you owe the Park Board $ 250!
SCHOOL BUS SUPERVISOR: Another form of public servant who arrives to reinforce
the paint spray episode, and you learn how much it will
cost to repaint those buses!
POLICE OFFICER, JUVENILE DIVISION: Another public servant who arrives to inform
you that the Thurston Railroad Overpass now
needs repainting, since this new logo for
the railroad was done in bad taste and is
incorrect.
BREAD TRUCK DRIVER: Calls to ask if you are going to repaint the delivery
truck, or if the matter will have to go to court.
Does not deliver Thurston Bread!
ATTORNEY: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this
happen.
JUDGE - JUVENILE COURT: Is happy to see that this matter is being handled in a
very expeditious manner and all damages are being paid
for.
SEASONED PARENT: One who has learned that, in the wrong hands, a can of spray
paint can easily cost over one thousand dollars!
NEWSPAPER REPORTER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching
all this happen. Writes up detailed report, giving your
home address and listing all previous offenses of family,
including the time Grandpa stole horse from undertaker.
ATTORNEY (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all
this happen. Informs you that there is nothing to be gained by
going after the newspaper reporter. Advice costs about half the
price of spray paint.
EDITOR: Defends reporter and refuses to run ad about reporter in paper.
COFFEE SHOP: Location of final discussion and wisdom of whole affair.
Discussion ceases when you are present, takes up after you leave.
WEEKLY SHOPPER (Free): Owner refuses to run ad about Editor of Local Paper
TRAFFIC: Continuous stream of automotive congestion caused by readers of local
paper, seeing where the phantom painter actually lives.
DOCTOR (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this
happen. Gives you medication for recent high blood pressure.
And some light sleeping pills to help you get to sleep despite
traffic in front of your home.
PHARMACIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all
this happen. Gladly fills prescription for medication and offers
liberal free advice on what to do with budding artist.
WRITER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this
happen and writing it up for publication. Comes to interview you and
ask about chances of your cooperation.
RESPONSE: Never mind, you tell him, someone has already done that, but the
names have been changed, and there is no traffic!
From the
JOKIN' AROUND DISK
by
LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
South Australia. 5159.